Hi. I hope you are all staying safe as we move into the dog days of this pandemic. So many disruptions. Yet today, I returned to my virtual classroom and to my very real students, for whom I am so grateful. They make me smile. They so want to learn and do well. That’s what I want to do, too.
I continue to learn and grow. The goal is to be whole. But how does one be one’s whole self? Of course, there’s really no limit to the self, but we do strive to give actuality to as much of ourselves as we can. That’s the pressing need for all of us. Some are more successful at compartmentalizing or suppressing, or masking, but I believe there is a deep yearning in us all to live our truth.
Problem for me these days is the truth is a bit of a moving target. Not the same kind of moving target like when you are conflicted about whether to transition or not, no it’s more creative than obstructive–at least if I stay present with it.
The good news is the movement means growth. That’s what it feels like anyway. You know, that feeling that your actions are in sync with who you are. And, if you stay present in the movement and trust the process of growth blooming out of you like crazy flowers, you can ride your wave of development. And, sometimes, ya wipe out.
Coincidental with my superimposed shelter in place, I have been experiencing what I will call “the drawback,” the discovery that old identity patterns linger within, and the feeling of losing presence with Kay. When Kay began to emerge, she was such a rush of energy, there was little room for the old me. By virtue of the force of the feminine energy that burst from within, the old me was pushed aside, and I was catapulted out so far ahead of my old identity, that it is only now catching up. As I have integrated and learned about Kay, her energy, at least when I’m alone, is less intense, more steady and subtle. Used to be when this happened, I feared that Kay was receding. Progress is as progress does, and now, thankfully I don’t freak out when I feel “the drawback.” I can see now that this drawback is not a threat. What it really means is that Kay is solid enough, strong enough to make room for more of me. The fear of losing her is less. That’s good.
Being mostly alone these last several weeks, I have felt the presence of remembered selves, and it feels good to not feel like I have to bury them. These too are sacred to myself.
And the pestilence shall pass, and those who are healed will walk anew. Be safe.
Kay out.
Transgender Transcendentalism 